Randi (part 2)

Casa did their best to keep us isolated from one another, but we found ways to inconspicuously communicate. During PE, for example, we could whisper to each other without anyone hearing. We also had some pretty good non-verbal skills so we used a lot of little gestures to talk as long as the mamas weren't paying attention. We talked mostly about what our lives used to be like and all the things we planned to do once we were finally free. One of our plans was to go to a rave when we got out. Sometimes our thoughts and plans for the future were all that kept us going. 

After almost 2 years, Casa was finally going to let me go home on a 'home pass' for 4-5 days. I knew there was no way I could go back to that place. I didn't care if I had to run away and live on the street, once I left those gates I was not coming back. I told Randi I would see her again until she was out. I asked how I could find her and she said once she got out she would be living with her stepdad -Randy Leonard in El Cajon, Ca. 

Randi (part 1)

I am dedicating this blog to my very close friend and Casa sister, Randi Koetz.

We can all relate to being in a place that really sucks. Whether it be a lousy job, a class with an awful teacher, a stressful home environment, or just a really dark time in our life, at some point we have all felt the feelings of agony from being in a place that just plain sucks. But if you're lucky enough, there might just be someone in that place that makes it suck a whole lot less. That's what Randi was to me. 

Randi was a tall, thin, blonde with a gorgeous smile and an even more beautiful soul. She was from Carlsbad, California and either 14 or 15 when she came in. She was a free-spirited raver chick. From the day she got to Casa she had a smile on her face and a dance in her step. She was always twirling around and being silly regardless of if it got her sent to worksheets for the rest of the day. It baffled me how someone could seem to be so happy and carefree in such a miserable place. Most of us walked around like zombies. We had been beaten down and there was nothing left but conformity and submission. 

Randi was a breath of fresh air and taught me that your mindset has everything to do with the quality of your life. Circumstances mean nothing. It was the purest display of happiness I had ever seen and it came from within. 

A day in the life of casa

Chicas, headcount!!! -The phrase we woke up to every morning. But shortly before that I would have already woken and kept my eyes closed hoping for a miracle to happen- that when I opened my eyes I would not be staring at the bottom of a bunk bed. I would be staring at my glow-in-the-dark stars on my blue ceiling and laying in my bed at home with my cat snuggled at my feet. But every morning headcount came and I was still staring at the bottom of a bunk bed. At Casa, the days were basically all the same. The days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months and slowly but surely those months turned into years. 

After headcount, we would head to the Commodore to eat breakfast. Breakfast consisted of either cereal or porridge and yogurt. It was really the only meal that I didn't mind eating there. After breakfast usually came group time. Group was basically where we all sat around and read an entry from our journal. We would then have to give each other "feedback" on whatever it was that we wrote. Meanwhile, the mama and the case manager would listen and chime in as they saw fit. Some of us got off easy and others were quite obviously targeted. They were either used as steppingstones for girls to be able to have someone to give feedback to (so that they could 'show up' in front of the case manager) or they were made an example by the case manager. Casa somehow did a really great job of turning us all against each other. A big part of their success in that came from never allowing two people to talk to each other alone. Any form of nonverbal communication was also strictly prohibited. And one persons actions could have consequences for the entire facility. 

After group, we made our way (in lines of course) to the classroom. In the classroom, we had dozens of out-of-date high school textbooks to choose from. We would basically just pick one, read the whole thing, do the exercises at the end of each chapter, and then take a test on it. Did I mention I got straight A's at Casa?! During some point in the day we had PE. For about 30 minutes we were allowed to walk around in a circle outside. After PE came showers..(yay). Next was lunch. 

Our lunches were typically a sandwich or some kind of weird meat like spam or something we called 'chicken heart soup'. To this day I have no clue WTF that stuff was. It wouldn't surprise me if it was seagull soup. After lunch, more school. Dinner was typically fish, soup, or chicken. Thursday's we got this really yummy pasta with meat and white sauce(not being sarcastic it actually was really good!). 

After dinner we would head back to the 'house' and change into our pjs, brush teeth, wash face, ect.. Then we would get on our bunk and write our 'reflections' for the day. This was the journal entry we would read the next day in group. After lights out the night staff would come in. They sat by the doors to make sure no one tried to escape. They would walk up and down the hallway and look at us and write things down in a notebook. Not sure what they were writing about. 

Where We Slept

We were grouped into 'families' with inspirational names such as 'courage' 'integrity' 'knowledge' 'odyssey' etc... There were 2 families in each house which was divided in half by a wall. Along each side of both sections of the house were lines of 6 bunk beds. There were 24 girls on one side of the divider and 24 girls on the other side of the divider totaling 48 girls per house. There was a common bathroom at the end of the house opposite the door. There were 4 toilets. We were given 1 basket upon arrival to place all of our non-contraband items. Basically a brush, shampoo, conditioner, soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, tampons/pads, 1 pair of pajamas, underwear, bra, socks, and 1 uniform. The 'canastas' were checked daily by the upper levels to make sure they were spotless and contained only what we were allowed to have. 

Tienes Consequencia!

Levels and consequences...

The level system seemed simple enough. There were only 6; how long could 6 levels possibly take to get through? Well, the levels were based on 4 things: points, seminars, peers, and your case manager. We started out with a certain number of points each day and depending on how many consequences we got that day, we might end up with some leftover. 

What is a consequence? It's a piece of paper that is given to you if you break a rule. There were 5 levels of consequences, and they ranged from not removing all the hair out of your brush(category 1) to runaway plans(category 5). You could almost get a consequence for anything in this place because the rules were ridiculous and nearly impossible to not break. It was a total mind game. 

You could get a consequence for looking out of line(we had to walk in lines everywhere we went with a 'mama' and a couple of upper levels watching.) you could get a consequence for not pivoting on a turn. You could get a consequence for attempting to speak without asking a 3d person to listen(2 people were never allowed to talk). You could get a consequence for accidentally taking a pen in the bathroom because you stuck it in your hair and forgot about it. You would get a consequence if you forgot your water bottle or didn't make your bed correctly. We even got consequences for speaking English! The list goes on and on. 

For the first couple of months, I was there, I spent most of my time in worksheets. It doesn't sound that bad, but it's a little room with chairs lined up facing the walls and dividers on the sides so you couldn't see the person next to you. If you got a category 2, you had to go there for the day. What could you do in worksheets? Absolutely nothing, but stare at the wall and listen to history tapes play over and over again. 3 times a day, they would give you food and take you to the restroom. It was the kind of torture that made you feel like you were losing your mind. 

The Showers

The showers are well deserving of their own post. They never really sprayed water, it was more like a trickle of either ice cold or scorching hot water. The showerheads were mounted all along the walls of a big room just like you see in prison movies except we had a little divider on each side. On the floor, there were gym mat looking things and drains and the most pubic hair and mold you've ever seen in your life! We were not allowed to shave because God forbid one of us use it to slit our wrist or something... Behind the knobs where you turn the water on, there were used bloody tampons. Girls would just take them out and shove them behind the knob instead of throwing them away. Some girls would shit in their hands and smear it all over the walls. It's true what they say.. If you treat people like animals, they start acting like animals. 

We were given 10 minutes to shower which started from the moment we walked in the bathroom to the moment we walked out so the shower itself was maybe 3 minutes. Apparently, my parents forgot to send me with a towel or a brush so for the first 2 months I was there I used a T-shirt and a small plastic comb. My hair was dreadlocked.

Welcome to Casa By The Sea

I was handed a uniform and made to put it on. Then a girl named Danielle was assigned as an upper-lever buddy to me. She was a level 6 which meant she would be in the next group to go home. Danielle took me to the Commodore - A cafeteria-like large room with a little slit in the wall where some faceless person would slip you a plate. We sat down at a long plastic picnic table inside and a plate of the nastiest piece of brown fish you've ever seen was placed in front of me. I looked at my new 'buddy' and said there is NO WAY I'm eating that... Then she proceeded to tell me that I had to and if I didn't, the mamas would force me and if I threw up, I would be made to eat it. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF PLACE IS THIS?! I remember thinking there is just no way this is real. I thought my parents must be playing a cruel trick on me. They could never just abandon me in a place like this. I asked Danielle how long she had been there and she said over a year. Over a year? So... Will I have to be here that long too??? She told me the fastest anyone had gotten out was 9 months... There was just no way I could do this for a year. No possible way. 

Crossing the Border

I remember staring out the window and just taking in the view because I thought it might be the last time I would ever see these things. I had no idea where I was going but I knew I wouldn't be coming back. I remember passing through king city and then San Luis Obispo and then Los Angeles and then San Diego. All of a sudden as I was looking out the window I started seeing what looked to be like the Mexican projects there were hundreds of Mexican flags. I finally decided to ask the transporters if we had crossed into Mexico. They confirmed that we were indeed in Baja California. We drove for about an hour or so through Tijuana and then Rosarito. Soon we approached a massive red gate with walls all around it. As we enter through the gate I saw a group of people coming towards the car. They pulled me out of the car and took me to a little room they called the 'mamas' house'. I was asked to strip down naked and turn around. All of my things were put into a box and taken away. 

Kidnapped

I was 15 years old and I never wanted to be home. I stayed at my friend Nichole's house almost every night of the week. Her parents were like second parents to me. Nikki's house was always a happy place to be. I never felt judged there. I could tell them the things that I was struggling with and they would not scold me or make me feel bad, but instead would give me solid advice to move forward with. All you really want as a teenager is to feel like someone understands you. 

I thought that if I could just live with Nikki and her parents but I would be happy. My mom agreed to let me stay with them. Then one night she asked me to please come home for dinner because my sisters and brother missed me. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to be home, but I went against my gut and agreed to have dinner with them. She cooked my favorite meal stuffed bell peppers which she typically only made on my birthday. I felt an extreme sense of uneasiness. I went to my room after dinner and paced back-and-forth wishing that I could teleport myself back to Nikki's house. I finally was able to let myself relax enough to fall asleep. 

At 4:00 AM I was woken by a man and a woman barging in my room, telling me to get up and get dressed. They said, "We can do this the easy way or the hard way." What the hell is that supposed to mean? I wondered... They hurried me down my stairs and into the back of their car. The door handles in the backseat had been disabled so that I could not attempt to escape. They then handcuffed me and told me not to try anything. I was so angry that I could not even speak. Who are these people and where were they taking me?

Bleacher Smokers

From the ages of 13-15, I can honestly say I was no angel of a child.

A combination of family issues, drama at school, the loss of all of my childhood girlfriends, and lack of a support system at home proved to be a disastrous cocktail. I was never that great at the whole communication thing. Especially when it came to emotions. I just couldn't quite figure out how to ask for help in a productive way. When you're angry and lash out and give attitude to people, they tend to just get pissed off. It reminds me of that quote about children 'asking for love in the most unloving of ways'.

I wasn't the kind of girl that was on the cheer squad or student council. I wasn't homecoming queen or even popular for that matter. I was in fact a self-conscious, socially awkward teen who would rather ditch class and smoke weed on the bleachers with the boys than sit in a room full of kids I felt I couldn't relate to. Did I get mixed up with the wrong crowd? My parents would have said so but in all honesty, I don't really know that to be true. In fact most of us bleacher smokers turned out to be pretty damn successful! (You guys know who you are)

Bottom line, I drove my parents so completely insane that they resorted to doing something most could never fathom... They shipped my ass off to a lockdown boarding school in Mexico. Yep, you read that right, MEXICO. I spent the last two years of my childhood in that God-forsaken place.